August 1, 2014- Depression and the Path

Fighting the pain of depression can be an awful and difficulty journey.   At times, it can lead us to places we never want  to go to.  At times, it can prevent us from getting to places we want to go to.   We need to remember that whatever is going on,  we have the choice of figuring out what we can do about it: -   We can choose to stay in that warm comfortable bed with three sheets over our head for the next four days
-  We can choose to turn off the cell phone, refuse to pick up the mail, and answer the door
-  We can choose to not take a bath or a shower for a week because nobody will see us or we won’t make the effort to see anyone
-   We can choose to turn off and unplug the computer cutting us off completely from the world.
Or..
We can choose to wake up one morning and get out of bed. Walk towards the covered window, move the blinds or drapes away from the window and for the first time in forever touch the glass and feel what it is like to get in touch with some semblance of life.
We can choose to try to do something differently and see what happens.

Loss and the Tragedy- June 23, 2014

I have the recent privilege of working with a fellow colleague and friend who had recently experienced both a tragedy and a happy epiphany of sorts.    We were both working on a project to further expand our knowledge of this  wonderful professional and at the same time catching up with one another.  As we were going about the day, we began to talk about various topics.  At some point, we had that connection where everything just seemed to connect.    One minute he was talking about surfing two weeks before, I'm talking about the last show I played, and the next moment he began to talk about the loss of his sister.  It came on pretty strong because he just stopped talking and began to cry.  He informed me  that when she had died, he had not had the " time" to grief for her nor express any emotion over the loss.  He threw himself into his work gradually trying to maintain an extremely hectic schedule as well as driving to the cemetery but often turning away.  As we spoke about it more, it seemed that not only did he grow up with certain rituals of how to deal with certain situations but also to suppress certain emotions.  After his sister passed away, he received a multitude of comments from people.  Large percentage of comments made to grieving people following a loss are someone not very helpful.   It is as if someone says to a griever who has suffered a breakup of a relationship.     "He was not the right person for you" or " You' ll do better next time."  Everyone's loss is unique and their own.  Unresolved grief is cumulatively negative and can impact one's life negatively.  It is very important to address unresolved grief.

Anger- May 22, 2014

I recently was someone who spoke about the frustration, difficulty, irritation, pain and most of all anger with  dealing with her parents.  She expressed to me that their behaviors and actions were such a turn off that she would try so hard to stay as late as she could at school ( try 8:00 pm).   Lock herself in her room, kick a ball down the street alone to get away, sit in the park under a tree.  Being in a situation where there is no escape from the constant yelling, indecisiveness from both parents, and worse not having the ability to be heard.... is unbearable.

I first validated and expressed the almost dark, gloomy ethereal veil that one can be under when put in such a situation.   However most importantly I wanted to tell her that despite being very familiar with her particular situation,  I could never understand what it is like to be in her own shoes.  Everyone's experience is unique and there's alone. Up until that point, she had never been asked to express what she was feeling inside.  I wanted her to express what she was feeling and she did.  She painted something for me, she took my guitar and played me something that almost knocked me out of my chair. 

Helping her recognize why she was angry and realizing that reacting to things that had for the most part nothing to do with her gave her a different perspective.   Learning to channel that energy into something beautiful was priceless.

May 1, 2014- Difficulty with Bullying

I believe that addressing bullying means allowing yourself to become more empowered. Often when we are faced with those who want to break down our " walls" , sometimes we forget that we have it within ourselves to be "ourselves." The comments and ridicule are used to break down and erode us. However it is important to remember that during these dark periods, we have to keep telling ourselves the person we are now is the same person who has made accomplishments,has had other positive relationships in their lives, has made a positive impact in this world and that can never been taken away.

April 17, 2014- To Be in a Relationship or Not To Be

Recently I was in the market when I was approached by a woman.  Yes, it does happen once every blue moon.   However as it turned out it was not due to my unmistakable charm.  I had recently been given a key ring that shows my practice name given to me by my wife ( the irony).  She has noticed it dangling from one hand and a basket of groceries in another.  She asked me an off the wall question about  relationships which I had to admit I had not heard at least in this manner.  She asked me if relationships in themselves were signs of people learning to deal more about themselves than actually learning to deal with others.  She explained that she had recently gotten out of a relationship and was told she needed to work on herself and less on the relationship.  While it would be difficult to provide her with an encapsulated answer in the cereal section,  I provided her with a brief answer.  I explained to her that in order to be truly " successful" at being in a committed relationship, one would essentially want to be in a good place with themselves.  What I meant was that someone would have hopefully worked  on themselves and not engage in a relationship in order to get fixed by someone.   True intimacy starts with open and  honest communication.  Being honest with each other requires not only a strong foundation but requires that person to be vulnerable.  If they are not willing to be vulnerable, they will never experience an open and honest relationship.  Although she did not agree with how her relationship had stopped, she understood that personal growth needed to be completed by both parties in order for the relationship to evolve.

March 20,2014- Taking Care of the Self

It is very difficult to encapsulate how we are able to take care of our needs when we are stuck on this endless hamster wheel.  Whether is it taking care of a loved one 24/7, making sure a mother keeps the house and the household together in a flurry of activities, and trying to meet a deadline at work while trying to reach a productivity of 120%, where do we take the time to make time for ourselves?

I remember last week driving over all over Los Angeles meeting with people, attending sessions, making house calls, going to network meetings and keeping a smiling face that one day I left the house with two different color shoes.  That’s right!! I got to my coffee shop with two different shoes and boy were they laughing; joke got all the way to the guy in the back making the doughnuts.  The point I am making is that time is not on our side, despite what the Rolling Stones may say.  As bad as our day/week is, we should try to make the time to take care of ourselves.  Case in point: trying to cram everything in two weeks and not taking care of myself has lead me to deal with clumsiness, a viral infection, as well as not being able to match my shoes correctly.  I can make time to do the following items. I can dedicate 20 minutes a day to my mediation regime or take the 25 minute jog in the afternoon/early evening to get rid of the stress.  I can get to bed at a decent time.  I even use a great link www.dailymile.com to track my miles and https://insighttimer.com for meditation.   As I have stated before in my blog, my sessions, and my caregiver’s group and on a freaking mountain top, if you are not good to yourselves, how can you be good to others around you?

March 11, 2014- Sharing is always beautiful

I was siting at the dealer today getting my car serviced.  I was able to resume my meditation practice that I had stopped for a short time but rather than focusing on that decided to venture onward.  I was getting some coffee in the lounge section chilling like a villain when I decided to sit in one of their nice leather lounge chairs far away from the salesmen.    I sat down to put my backpack on the floor, put my glasses away, and get into my pose.   I closed my eyes and started to concentrate on my breathing.  Probably thirty seconds into it, I heard someone say " excuse me sir, but are you going into some kind of meditative trance happy place?"  I opened my eyes and looked up into the face of one of the sale agents.  At first glance, he was very well put together, handsome, clean cut, dressed to a tee and sporting one of the best starched shirts I have seen in quite some time.   As he kept looking down towards me,  I took a better look at his face.  I could see some anxiety and concern around the eyes.. they never lie.  I asked him to sit down and tell me what was going on.  He expressed  concern over his sales quota,  issues at home, as well as some other factors.  Mainly,  he was not able to deal with the stress. I informed him that I was about to engage in mindfulness meditation which would not only help him deal with the stress but become more focused and alert.  He humorously asked me if he was needing to buy a Buddha statue and informed him that he did not need to do so.  Meditation is more of a practice of becoming more self aware of one's attunement to life.   I provided him with a brief explanation, gave him instruction and off he went.   He was honest about not being able to just " turn off" his thoughts but I told him the practice itself is  about recognizing this and moving on.