September 11, 2014- 9/11

9/11 will forever be engrained in our lives as the day that changed  forever.  Perhaps it is a reminder of how we view ourselves, our own eternal struggles with mortality, and our own vision of  how we see the world.  In any case,  many view this day as one that is extremely difficult.   Like most of us, we always remember where we were and what we were doing.   For me,  I will always have a special remembrance for 9/11.  I have always had a special place for New York.

During the week of 9/11,  I had spoken to a friend of mine who actually had a cousin in the South Tower.   Although he was one of the fortunate ones who was below the impact zone and had made it outside, it was not without incident.   Despite the fact that he had been injured and covered in dust, he begged to help out the emergency service that was stationed near Greenwich.  My friend not only described the bravery of his cousin but how he endured the chaos that was ensuing around him.   Through what was described to me as  " the worse things any human being could ever see" , he remained focused and became one of the many of New Yorkers who truly magnified the human spirit.

We have to give kudos to the human spirit.  It amazed me how people were able to pull together singing  "Some folks like to get away..." and be able to persevere despite having to endure one of the most tragic events in our human history.   Ever so often, the subject of 9/11 will be brought up during a session or two reminding those that despite their adversities, the negative ones around them, and most of all the voice from within that may try to keep them down, 9/11 may be a reminder to us that we can always strive to persevere.

August 12, 2014- Robin Williams and Suicide

The recent death of Robin Williams was quite shocking to me as it was for many people.  Years ago I had made an audio recording of him telling that wonderful line from Good Morning Vietnam  " Sir seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT cause if it leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we all be put on KP. " Coincidentally, I had woken up Monday morning feeling somewhat blue and decided to play that on my way to work.   Of course I didn't know what would happen almost six hours later when I heard the news.

I have spoken before in my previous blogs about depression and suicide.   More so now when I do see my clients in my practice, it is extremely important for me to address and learn about that person's depression history including suicidal attempts and ideations.  At times, we get stuck in obtaining information for the sake of completing intakes that we almost forget to obtain the essence of what drives that person good or bad.

We need to understand that depression and suicide are linked together.  Recent studies show that over 60% of all people who die by suicide suffer from depression.  Having a bad day is quite different from someone who feels that everything in their life is hopeless.  Emotions which often fuels these negative thoughts are at times very difficult to manage.   Take anxiety for example.  Dealing with anxiety on a frequent basis can be very taxing to the body both physically and mentally.  When anxiety over major concerns are compounded by negative thoughts that stem from all or nothing thinking or overgeneralization, it is like putting gasoline into a fire.  Without coping tools to deal with the anxiety and thoughts, life can seem hopeless.

I always want to believe that there are situations that can always be approached in different ways.  Being in a hopeless situation feels very painful. More often than not those that attempt suicide are not thinking about dying. They’re thinking about ending the pain.

For those who may read my blog and of course those who may have been triggered by Robin Williams' suicide,  I ask you to examine what is going on in your own life.   If there are current situations that seem to want to drag you down that rabbit hole, please consider this: Life has a very quirky way of throwing very hard fast curve balls at you.  It is really how you deal with those fast balls that help you to grow as a person.   Remember the only person you need to prove anything to is yourself..

August 1, 2014- Depression and the Path

Fighting the pain of depression can be an awful and difficulty journey.   At times, it can lead us to places we never want  to go to.  At times, it can prevent us from getting to places we want to go to.   We need to remember that whatever is going on,  we have the choice of figuring out what we can do about it: -   We can choose to stay in that warm comfortable bed with three sheets over our head for the next four days
-  We can choose to turn off the cell phone, refuse to pick up the mail, and answer the door
-  We can choose to not take a bath or a shower for a week because nobody will see us or we won’t make the effort to see anyone
-   We can choose to turn off and unplug the computer cutting us off completely from the world.
Or..
We can choose to wake up one morning and get out of bed. Walk towards the covered window, move the blinds or drapes away from the window and for the first time in forever touch the glass and feel what it is like to get in touch with some semblance of life.
We can choose to try to do something differently and see what happens.

Loss and the Tragedy- June 23, 2014

I have the recent privilege of working with a fellow colleague and friend who had recently experienced both a tragedy and a happy epiphany of sorts.    We were both working on a project to further expand our knowledge of this  wonderful professional and at the same time catching up with one another.  As we were going about the day, we began to talk about various topics.  At some point, we had that connection where everything just seemed to connect.    One minute he was talking about surfing two weeks before, I'm talking about the last show I played, and the next moment he began to talk about the loss of his sister.  It came on pretty strong because he just stopped talking and began to cry.  He informed me  that when she had died, he had not had the " time" to grief for her nor express any emotion over the loss.  He threw himself into his work gradually trying to maintain an extremely hectic schedule as well as driving to the cemetery but often turning away.  As we spoke about it more, it seemed that not only did he grow up with certain rituals of how to deal with certain situations but also to suppress certain emotions.  After his sister passed away, he received a multitude of comments from people.  Large percentage of comments made to grieving people following a loss are someone not very helpful.   It is as if someone says to a griever who has suffered a breakup of a relationship.     "He was not the right person for you" or " You' ll do better next time."  Everyone's loss is unique and their own.  Unresolved grief is cumulatively negative and can impact one's life negatively.  It is very important to address unresolved grief.

Anger- May 22, 2014

I recently was someone who spoke about the frustration, difficulty, irritation, pain and most of all anger with  dealing with her parents.  She expressed to me that their behaviors and actions were such a turn off that she would try so hard to stay as late as she could at school ( try 8:00 pm).   Lock herself in her room, kick a ball down the street alone to get away, sit in the park under a tree.  Being in a situation where there is no escape from the constant yelling, indecisiveness from both parents, and worse not having the ability to be heard.... is unbearable.

I first validated and expressed the almost dark, gloomy ethereal veil that one can be under when put in such a situation.   However most importantly I wanted to tell her that despite being very familiar with her particular situation,  I could never understand what it is like to be in her own shoes.  Everyone's experience is unique and there's alone. Up until that point, she had never been asked to express what she was feeling inside.  I wanted her to express what she was feeling and she did.  She painted something for me, she took my guitar and played me something that almost knocked me out of my chair. 

Helping her recognize why she was angry and realizing that reacting to things that had for the most part nothing to do with her gave her a different perspective.   Learning to channel that energy into something beautiful was priceless.

May 1, 2014- Difficulty with Bullying

I believe that addressing bullying means allowing yourself to become more empowered. Often when we are faced with those who want to break down our " walls" , sometimes we forget that we have it within ourselves to be "ourselves." The comments and ridicule are used to break down and erode us. However it is important to remember that during these dark periods, we have to keep telling ourselves the person we are now is the same person who has made accomplishments,has had other positive relationships in their lives, has made a positive impact in this world and that can never been taken away.

April 17, 2014- To Be in a Relationship or Not To Be

Recently I was in the market when I was approached by a woman.  Yes, it does happen once every blue moon.   However as it turned out it was not due to my unmistakable charm.  I had recently been given a key ring that shows my practice name given to me by my wife ( the irony).  She has noticed it dangling from one hand and a basket of groceries in another.  She asked me an off the wall question about  relationships which I had to admit I had not heard at least in this manner.  She asked me if relationships in themselves were signs of people learning to deal more about themselves than actually learning to deal with others.  She explained that she had recently gotten out of a relationship and was told she needed to work on herself and less on the relationship.  While it would be difficult to provide her with an encapsulated answer in the cereal section,  I provided her with a brief answer.  I explained to her that in order to be truly " successful" at being in a committed relationship, one would essentially want to be in a good place with themselves.  What I meant was that someone would have hopefully worked  on themselves and not engage in a relationship in order to get fixed by someone.   True intimacy starts with open and  honest communication.  Being honest with each other requires not only a strong foundation but requires that person to be vulnerable.  If they are not willing to be vulnerable, they will never experience an open and honest relationship.  Although she did not agree with how her relationship had stopped, she understood that personal growth needed to be completed by both parties in order for the relationship to evolve.