September 11, 2014- 9/11

9/11 will forever be engrained in our lives as the day that changed  forever.  Perhaps it is a reminder of how we view ourselves, our own eternal struggles with mortality, and our own vision of  how we see the world.  In any case,  many view this day as one that is extremely difficult.   Like most of us, we always remember where we were and what we were doing.   For me,  I will always have a special remembrance for 9/11.  I have always had a special place for New York.

During the week of 9/11,  I had spoken to a friend of mine who actually had a cousin in the South Tower.   Although he was one of the fortunate ones who was below the impact zone and had made it outside, it was not without incident.   Despite the fact that he had been injured and covered in dust, he begged to help out the emergency service that was stationed near Greenwich.  My friend not only described the bravery of his cousin but how he endured the chaos that was ensuing around him.   Through what was described to me as  " the worse things any human being could ever see" , he remained focused and became one of the many of New Yorkers who truly magnified the human spirit.

We have to give kudos to the human spirit.  It amazed me how people were able to pull together singing  "Some folks like to get away..." and be able to persevere despite having to endure one of the most tragic events in our human history.   Ever so often, the subject of 9/11 will be brought up during a session or two reminding those that despite their adversities, the negative ones around them, and most of all the voice from within that may try to keep them down, 9/11 may be a reminder to us that we can always strive to persevere.

August 12, 2014- Robin Williams and Suicide

The recent death of Robin Williams was quite shocking to me as it was for many people.  Years ago I had made an audio recording of him telling that wonderful line from Good Morning Vietnam  " Sir seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT cause if it leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we all be put on KP. " Coincidentally, I had woken up Monday morning feeling somewhat blue and decided to play that on my way to work.   Of course I didn't know what would happen almost six hours later when I heard the news.

I have spoken before in my previous blogs about depression and suicide.   More so now when I do see my clients in my practice, it is extremely important for me to address and learn about that person's depression history including suicidal attempts and ideations.  At times, we get stuck in obtaining information for the sake of completing intakes that we almost forget to obtain the essence of what drives that person good or bad.

We need to understand that depression and suicide are linked together.  Recent studies show that over 60% of all people who die by suicide suffer from depression.  Having a bad day is quite different from someone who feels that everything in their life is hopeless.  Emotions which often fuels these negative thoughts are at times very difficult to manage.   Take anxiety for example.  Dealing with anxiety on a frequent basis can be very taxing to the body both physically and mentally.  When anxiety over major concerns are compounded by negative thoughts that stem from all or nothing thinking or overgeneralization, it is like putting gasoline into a fire.  Without coping tools to deal with the anxiety and thoughts, life can seem hopeless.

I always want to believe that there are situations that can always be approached in different ways.  Being in a hopeless situation feels very painful. More often than not those that attempt suicide are not thinking about dying. They’re thinking about ending the pain.

For those who may read my blog and of course those who may have been triggered by Robin Williams' suicide,  I ask you to examine what is going on in your own life.   If there are current situations that seem to want to drag you down that rabbit hole, please consider this: Life has a very quirky way of throwing very hard fast curve balls at you.  It is really how you deal with those fast balls that help you to grow as a person.   Remember the only person you need to prove anything to is yourself..

August 1, 2014- Depression and the Path

Fighting the pain of depression can be an awful and difficulty journey.   At times, it can lead us to places we never want  to go to.  At times, it can prevent us from getting to places we want to go to.   We need to remember that whatever is going on,  we have the choice of figuring out what we can do about it: -   We can choose to stay in that warm comfortable bed with three sheets over our head for the next four days
-  We can choose to turn off the cell phone, refuse to pick up the mail, and answer the door
-  We can choose to not take a bath or a shower for a week because nobody will see us or we won’t make the effort to see anyone
-   We can choose to turn off and unplug the computer cutting us off completely from the world.
Or..
We can choose to wake up one morning and get out of bed. Walk towards the covered window, move the blinds or drapes away from the window and for the first time in forever touch the glass and feel what it is like to get in touch with some semblance of life.
We can choose to try to do something differently and see what happens.

Loss and the Tragedy- June 23, 2014

I have the recent privilege of working with a fellow colleague and friend who had recently experienced both a tragedy and a happy epiphany of sorts.    We were both working on a project to further expand our knowledge of this  wonderful professional and at the same time catching up with one another.  As we were going about the day, we began to talk about various topics.  At some point, we had that connection where everything just seemed to connect.    One minute he was talking about surfing two weeks before, I'm talking about the last show I played, and the next moment he began to talk about the loss of his sister.  It came on pretty strong because he just stopped talking and began to cry.  He informed me  that when she had died, he had not had the " time" to grief for her nor express any emotion over the loss.  He threw himself into his work gradually trying to maintain an extremely hectic schedule as well as driving to the cemetery but often turning away.  As we spoke about it more, it seemed that not only did he grow up with certain rituals of how to deal with certain situations but also to suppress certain emotions.  After his sister passed away, he received a multitude of comments from people.  Large percentage of comments made to grieving people following a loss are someone not very helpful.   It is as if someone says to a griever who has suffered a breakup of a relationship.     "He was not the right person for you" or " You' ll do better next time."  Everyone's loss is unique and their own.  Unresolved grief is cumulatively negative and can impact one's life negatively.  It is very important to address unresolved grief.

Anger- May 22, 2014

I recently was someone who spoke about the frustration, difficulty, irritation, pain and most of all anger with  dealing with her parents.  She expressed to me that their behaviors and actions were such a turn off that she would try so hard to stay as late as she could at school ( try 8:00 pm).   Lock herself in her room, kick a ball down the street alone to get away, sit in the park under a tree.  Being in a situation where there is no escape from the constant yelling, indecisiveness from both parents, and worse not having the ability to be heard.... is unbearable.

I first validated and expressed the almost dark, gloomy ethereal veil that one can be under when put in such a situation.   However most importantly I wanted to tell her that despite being very familiar with her particular situation,  I could never understand what it is like to be in her own shoes.  Everyone's experience is unique and there's alone. Up until that point, she had never been asked to express what she was feeling inside.  I wanted her to express what she was feeling and she did.  She painted something for me, she took my guitar and played me something that almost knocked me out of my chair. 

Helping her recognize why she was angry and realizing that reacting to things that had for the most part nothing to do with her gave her a different perspective.   Learning to channel that energy into something beautiful was priceless.

May 1, 2014- Difficulty with Bullying

I believe that addressing bullying means allowing yourself to become more empowered. Often when we are faced with those who want to break down our " walls" , sometimes we forget that we have it within ourselves to be "ourselves." The comments and ridicule are used to break down and erode us. However it is important to remember that during these dark periods, we have to keep telling ourselves the person we are now is the same person who has made accomplishments,has had other positive relationships in their lives, has made a positive impact in this world and that can never been taken away.

April 17, 2014- To Be in a Relationship or Not To Be

Recently I was in the market when I was approached by a woman.  Yes, it does happen once every blue moon.   However as it turned out it was not due to my unmistakable charm.  I had recently been given a key ring that shows my practice name given to me by my wife ( the irony).  She has noticed it dangling from one hand and a basket of groceries in another.  She asked me an off the wall question about  relationships which I had to admit I had not heard at least in this manner.  She asked me if relationships in themselves were signs of people learning to deal more about themselves than actually learning to deal with others.  She explained that she had recently gotten out of a relationship and was told she needed to work on herself and less on the relationship.  While it would be difficult to provide her with an encapsulated answer in the cereal section,  I provided her with a brief answer.  I explained to her that in order to be truly " successful" at being in a committed relationship, one would essentially want to be in a good place with themselves.  What I meant was that someone would have hopefully worked  on themselves and not engage in a relationship in order to get fixed by someone.   True intimacy starts with open and  honest communication.  Being honest with each other requires not only a strong foundation but requires that person to be vulnerable.  If they are not willing to be vulnerable, they will never experience an open and honest relationship.  Although she did not agree with how her relationship had stopped, she understood that personal growth needed to be completed by both parties in order for the relationship to evolve.

March 20,2014- Taking Care of the Self

It is very difficult to encapsulate how we are able to take care of our needs when we are stuck on this endless hamster wheel.  Whether is it taking care of a loved one 24/7, making sure a mother keeps the house and the household together in a flurry of activities, and trying to meet a deadline at work while trying to reach a productivity of 120%, where do we take the time to make time for ourselves?

I remember last week driving over all over Los Angeles meeting with people, attending sessions, making house calls, going to network meetings and keeping a smiling face that one day I left the house with two different color shoes.  That’s right!! I got to my coffee shop with two different shoes and boy were they laughing; joke got all the way to the guy in the back making the doughnuts.  The point I am making is that time is not on our side, despite what the Rolling Stones may say.  As bad as our day/week is, we should try to make the time to take care of ourselves.  Case in point: trying to cram everything in two weeks and not taking care of myself has lead me to deal with clumsiness, a viral infection, as well as not being able to match my shoes correctly.  I can make time to do the following items. I can dedicate 20 minutes a day to my mediation regime or take the 25 minute jog in the afternoon/early evening to get rid of the stress.  I can get to bed at a decent time.  I even use a great link www.dailymile.com to track my miles and https://insighttimer.com for meditation.   As I have stated before in my blog, my sessions, and my caregiver’s group and on a freaking mountain top, if you are not good to yourselves, how can you be good to others around you?

March 11, 2014- Sharing is always beautiful

I was siting at the dealer today getting my car serviced.  I was able to resume my meditation practice that I had stopped for a short time but rather than focusing on that decided to venture onward.  I was getting some coffee in the lounge section chilling like a villain when I decided to sit in one of their nice leather lounge chairs far away from the salesmen.    I sat down to put my backpack on the floor, put my glasses away, and get into my pose.   I closed my eyes and started to concentrate on my breathing.  Probably thirty seconds into it, I heard someone say " excuse me sir, but are you going into some kind of meditative trance happy place?"  I opened my eyes and looked up into the face of one of the sale agents.  At first glance, he was very well put together, handsome, clean cut, dressed to a tee and sporting one of the best starched shirts I have seen in quite some time.   As he kept looking down towards me,  I took a better look at his face.  I could see some anxiety and concern around the eyes.. they never lie.  I asked him to sit down and tell me what was going on.  He expressed  concern over his sales quota,  issues at home, as well as some other factors.  Mainly,  he was not able to deal with the stress. I informed him that I was about to engage in mindfulness meditation which would not only help him deal with the stress but become more focused and alert.  He humorously asked me if he was needing to buy a Buddha statue and informed him that he did not need to do so.  Meditation is more of a practice of becoming more self aware of one's attunement to life.   I provided him with a brief explanation, gave him instruction and off he went.   He was honest about not being able to just " turn off" his thoughts but I told him the practice itself is  about recognizing this and moving on.

February 25, 2014 – Music Really Does Soothe the Soul

I have a very special interest in incorporating music in my therapy whenever possible.   If I see an opportunity to seize upon it and use in a positive way, I will do it.  I was very touched and happily surprised during one of my sessions with a teenager.   During our conversation, the topic turned to music and he expressed an interest in learning the guitar.  When he found out that I had been playing the guitar for some number of years, he became so thrilled that he jumped up to show me his record collection ( yes his own LP collection).  I was both struck and amazed at this young teenager’s knowledge of music, both contemporary and oldies.  What really struck me was when he used one of the lyrics from Nick Drake’s song to describe how he was feeling at the time. He brought up “Place to Be.”  It talks about someone who was much more optimistic when he was a younger boy. Now that he is older, he can't really find a place to belong, considering how people are telling him how to live his life.  I, indeed expressed my praise, as well as, how insightful he was to understand the power of how lyrics can describe a story about someone.  I brought up another song by Nick Drake “Road.”  It talks about how changing your path to suit others will not change anything. Your path will lead you where you are supposed to go.  It brought an opportunity for him to understand that no matter what anyone tells him or attempts to steer him, the only person that can chose his own path is himself.  When he does, he will be more content and optimistic.   He tended to agreed.  I just look forward to him playing the guitar.
 

The tweet- February 4, 2014

I stumbled onto Gwen Stefani's tweet from February 2, 2014.   She had posted a picture of her as Sting was giving her an autograph while on a Yamaha motorcycle.  If anyone doesn't know the story, here it is.  Her father was working for Yamaha motorcycles.  Yamaha was sponsoring part of The Police during their Synchronicity Tour.  When The Police played at Hollywood Park on June 6, 1983  (which was their biggest show to date in Los Angeles by the way), Gwen was able to go backstage and get an autograph from Sting before he took off.  She described the experience as " a grumpy Sting getting ready to take off and this chubby kid blushing getting his autograph."  Well apparently Gwen's tweet has received some negative exposure given that she has used the work chunky to describe herself in the picture.  While she is not considered chunky,  possibly she was trying to convey an opinion of herself when she was younger.  Gwen has openly admitted that she has battled weight issues on and off when she was younger.  I believe that body image is something that is very individualistic and at the same time negatively propagated by the media.  It is very true that body image issues can trigger depression, anxiety, anger and even self-loathing.  Without reading into what Gwen is currently going through at this time ( she is currently in her third trimester of pregnancy), it may speak about how she also sees herself at the moment.  Keep in mind that body image is perception and that one should feel comfortable in their own skin no matter where they are at the moment.  Unfortunately,  perception is sometimes based on what others view as the norm rather than how individuals should believe about themselves.    For those who do deal with body image issues, do self affirmations daily and focus on what you like and remind yourself that it's okay to like and appreciate what you see no matter what size you are.

January 24, 2014 The Passion is there

I spent part of the day attending a networking meeting in Los Angeles.  As I was listening to the presentations, mingling with other therapists and turning on the charm,  I couldn't help but think about a few things as I went for my third cup of coffee.   Few words were thrown around and two popped into my head as I was pouring my creamer into the coffee.  Being present and passionate.    As therapists, we always want to be present.  It is essential to part of what makes the therapeutic relationship grow and blossom.   Passion is another word.  One person asked me what is it that drives me; lights that fire under my pant.  I first mentioned my Fender Jazz Bass Guitar.   However, when he was reaching for a more serious answer I told him  " my clients."  He looked at me with a "watcha talking about " look on his face.  I told him one particular story of  how one home visit reminded me of my passion. Years ago,  I used to visit my clients at their home and provide therapeutic services.  One in particular, a 91 year old man, was having difficulty with  life transition  issues and depression.  As we worked together to deal with these issues, we indeed formed a close bond and I was always looking forward to seeing him.   During one visit as I walked into his apartment,   he greeted me with a smile and began to cry.  When I asked him why he was crying, he told me he had finally found his purpose and was glad that he was "91 years older but a much wiser and compassionate man ".  I seconded that fact and told him that I was extremely happy that he had made this particular turn.  When  I left his apartment,  I actually began to tear up.  I felt elated not only because my client was doing better but after 13 years,  I still felt the innate fuel and passion with seeing the dynamic changes that my clients underwent.  Being able to be  passionate about something you do is something we strive to attain but in my case it is my work and indeed I love it.

January 15, 2014- Relationships

Ahhh relationships. Defined as  a romantic or sexual friendship between two people; the way in which two or more people or things are connected.  The real question is  are we really connected to the ones with whom we are with whether it is on a conscious level or whether we try hard to be connected for the sake of it.  I have heard various "ways" of how to keep the fire going so to speak even hearing the occasional one that sent me laughing all the way down 74th Street.   When I was in New York years ago,  I was in the city hanging out with some friends at Patsy's having pizza.  The discussion somehow turned to relationships.  As it got more heated, I was sitting there hoping I would quietly disappear. As it turned out, the pendulum finally swung in my direction with the burning question " So Merio,  how would you continue " to keep the women happy?" ( they never got my name right).  I explained to them that it was not a matter of making a woman happy but rather of knowing each other's expectations, keeping lines of communications open, and no matter what happens, don't go to bed angry.   They all looked at me like I shot a duck.  Finally, one of them in his Brooklyn accent looked at me and said " So all I have to do is tell her she will expect me to be home late when I'm hanging out with the guys, keep yelling at each other in order to keep the lines of communication open, and whenever I get angry, rent a hotel room.  I did not make it to the door before I started laughing so hard everybody on that sidewalk thought I was crazy.  The point is I can talk about not taking your partner for granted,  not being passive-aggressive,  and not communicating enough because I believe these are very valid points to make.   I believe that however you treat the relationship and what you put into the relationship is what you get back tenfold.  I really do miss that thin crust New York pizza.

January 4, 2013- Yes, time to push off those sheets

The new year is here...yay... You are probably thinking  " what another message about the New Year." Alas this one is a bit different. I spoke recently to a friend of mine who gave me a breakdown of his "morning" on January 2, 2014.  He described it as " a chore to get out of the bed." When I asked him why it was so difficult, he explained that he was getting used to how it really was 2014.  He went on to state that he was thinking about all the responsibilities and tasks he had to complete in the near future and within the next four months.  This lead him to keep the bed sheets over his body. I asked him to prioritize his responsibilities and focus on what was most pressing.   I suggested not to worry about items he had little control over and events that were months into the future.  He felt the weight lifted off his shoulders.  He was actually looking forward to the rest of his day. I told him to keep his head up and move on: Head to the second star to the right and straight on till morning.